he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
