Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Small penises have feelings too.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
