if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
