Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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