not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
