Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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