Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
