I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
