this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Randomize
