textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
