how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
