I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
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he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
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I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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