and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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