Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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