Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
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I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
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I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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