Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Princesses don't give blow jobs
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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