She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Dicks are not precious.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
