I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
