If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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