I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
