Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
