omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Randomize
