i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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