Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
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