she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Randomize
