Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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