So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
