How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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