I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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