They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
God I need to hump something, right now.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
