i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I said "one day" and that day is not today
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I think I just sharted jello shots
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