I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
