I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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