No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I love having hate sex.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
