guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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