I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
