Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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