Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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