my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
