Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
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Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
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The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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