I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
