Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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