You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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