The best revenge is premature balding
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
