Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Drunk is not a location!
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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