Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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