fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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