this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
