You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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