saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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