I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
