Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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