I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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