The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
