your parents love me but you hate me
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
