That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
