Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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