seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
