put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
