I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
