shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Randomize
