I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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